Wednesday, August 14, 2013

I Survived a Shiner on my 'Giner, and You Can, Too

WARNING: There are no photos of this.  Just inappropriate words and descriptions.  If you are my dad or pastor, you probably want to close this page now.

'Giner Shiners.

They happen.

Pretty much every week on a derby track near you.

It has happened to me.

More than once.

Because I have no shame or dignity left I'm going to speak candidly in order to help others who find themselves in this unexpected (and painful) predicament.

When you play a full contact sport and fall down as much as I do, you may get hurt by the very wheels you skate on.  Sometimes, you find a donut shaped bruise on your calf and remember you got kicked a little during scrimmage.  Or other times, you get a giraffe kick to the face while you are lying on the track. 

Then, there are those times where you fall on your own skate.  And it makes contact with your crotch.  And you are sure glad you decided to wear pants because otherwise there might have been penetration.

And THAT would be BAD. Very bad.

Falling on your own skate or that of another player has several colorful names. 'Giner Shiner. C__ Punt (not my favorite, but I've heard it used). Wheel bang. Baby Maker Violation.  Many others, I am sure.

It hurts like the dickens.  You may see stars.  Sometimes there is blood. 

You may hear someone scream, "I hurt my labia!"

or "That's gonna interfere with my evening activities."  Or maybe just a LONG string of words you can't say on television.

You may lie on the floor with your hands between your legs and tears streaming down your face remembering the time you rode Kenneth Wetzel's bike and slipped off the seat.  Or the time you didn't quite make it when you jumped over a fence.  Or the time you accidentally landed with the beam between your legs in gymnastics....

Ahem... moving right along....

It might take you an extra moment or two to get up.  And when your very MALE coach is asking what happened, you might squeak out, "Collateral damage."  And when he looks at you like you are a little nuts, you might slowly get up off the floor and skate straight for the bathrooms to grab your crotch and cry in the privacy of the ladies room.

It's going to swell.  So, get some ice on that sucker as soon as you can.  Shove it right down your pants.  If you get an ice pack from your league or the rink, for the love of St. Peter, please don't give it back.  Bring a couple of fresh ones to replace it the next time you are up there.

It may swell despite the swift application of ice.  You may be shocked at the enormity of the swelling the first morning. Especially if you injured yourself at night, fell asleep with an ice pack between your legs, and woke up thinking you peed in your bed thanks to the pinprick leak in the ice pack. If you wake up in the middle of the night, get more ice.  Maybe even set an alarm.  Just trust me on this one. 

And other than a nurse or doctor, you may just want to keep the viewing of that all to yourself. Just a tip. The whole area may blow up like a balloon that hangs halfway down your thigh. A huge, misshapen, bruised, bleeding balloon that you might accidentally try to sit on. 

Yeah, don't. 

Don't plan on sitting on a bench or a wooden chair for a few days either.  Just go get in your bed or on the couch; it makes life easier.  If you have to sit on something hard, employ the I'm-casually-leaning-to-one-side-so-as-to-rest-on-one-cheek method.  It will do in a pinch.  A Boppy pillow is not a bad thing either, although any preschooler in your life my give you grief over why you are sitting on their pillow.  You may decide it's not worth the possibility that they will push you off said pillow.  Not that my child would do that....

Also, you may want to forego pants.  I know they saved you from wheel penetration, but this is not the time for pants.  Dresses, skirts, gowns, and robes are the only way to go.  If you must leave the house because you need to go to work or the grocery store or possibly the cosmetic surgeon to have your lady parts reconstructed, carefully consider your undergarments.  The big, not cute ones in the back of the drawer from when you were two sizes bigger than you are now, pull those granny panties out.  They have room to accomodate the ice pack that you MUST continue to use.  Save the sexy, little things from VS for later.  This is no time for lace or thongs.

Liberal amounts of ibuprofen are good.  When I say liberal, I mean eight follow the directions for taking a higher dosage on the bottle.  Remember, I'm not a doctor.  I'm also not a great patient. 

If you have lacerations (cuts) from your private battle with a wheel or two, you need to make sure to keep it all clean, too.  If you have had a baby, you know what to do.  If you haven't, you need to get a clean squirt bottle and fill it with warm (I like hot) water.  Don't drink the water; squirt it on the swollen areas.  Use this to clean yourself each time you have to "powder your nose."  It might sting a little.  The hotter the water is, the better.  Drip for a bit.  And no wiping.  Pat dry.  Gently.  Then, apply witch hazel pads. Change the witch hazel pads several times a day.  You will thank me for that tip on the witch hazel pads.  And apply more ice.

You might also want to try a sitz bath.  That's where you run a couple of inches of hot water in the bathtub, and you sits in it.

Well, I thought it was funny....

During your sitz bath as you are sitting naked in the equivalent of a small puddle,  your kid comes in and asks if you want some more water.  And if you want some toys.  And can he have some candy.  The answer to all three is no.

You do not want to sit in the sitz bath all day.  Just a few minutes.  Maybe 10.  Then, get out, gently pat dry, and get some more ice.

In case you hadn't noticed, the magic ingredient throughout is ice.  One solid day of ice.  After one full day of ice, you can wean yourself off the frozen stuff, although you may want an ice pack in the morning and at the end of the day.  You should be nearly good as new in three days. It might take a week or two for the bruising to completely subside, and you may be sore for a while, too.   And a little skittish when anyone gets a little close to your crotch. 

After this experience, you might find yourself being extremely thankful that it didn't happen in a bout where 400 strangers would stare at you as you writhed in pain and then would clap as you got up holding your vagina.  Seriously, they would clap. And hold their hands up to make a special vagina symbol. And you would have to make the symbol back followed by a thumbs up. I'm sure that has played out on a track out there somewhere. Somewhere other than my mind. If not, I want ALL the royalties when they put that in the next derby movie.

Ice, ice, baby.  Peace out.


  1. I hope to never experience Skate Rape....Thanks for the tips though :)

  2. That was awesome. read this after reading the next post where people cranked at you. They need to get life.