Friday, July 8, 2011

I probably shouldn't be telling you this...

But I am telling you because that's what I do.  I talk about my shortcomings.  I'm so far from perfect that I don't even try to pretend. 

Let's face it... I'm a terrible housekeeper.  I just am.  I have tried to reform myself using the methods of superior housekeepers to no avail.  Interventions have been staged.  Professionals have cringed.  I set up goals for myself and offer myself fabulous rewards for the accomplishment of said tasks, but I fail miserably. Even the lure of full priced shoes has not been enough to get me to change my mediocre ways.  I make a list of  "To Dos" and find it in a stack of paper seven months later.   Even then I'm still only able to cross off a couple of items.   

Now, I know that some of you who love me are saying that you have no idea what I am talking about because the house always looks fine to you.  Well, you're wrong.  You haven't opened the doors, closets, and cabinets that I strategically close when you come over.  And I wouldn't if I were you.  Similar to the hooptie, if you open the wrong door, you never know what might fall out into the elementary school parking lot (umm... I might be willing to tell you about this in person, but it would require far too much explanation and embarrassment on here...).   Please don't open the door to the laundry room during a party.  You have been warned.

And then there are a couple of you who are just like me, and you are my favorites because you get it.  We are outnumbered by the children in our families.  We are exhausted beyond belief.  And we frequently feel judged by those who only have one or two children and who are able to have a spotless home at all times.  Let me tell you, one child was a breeze.  I could clean my house from top to bottom, clean the carpets, paint a bathroom, and have twenty-five people over for the appetizer portion of a progressive dinner all in the same day.  All while looking like a goddess.  But those days are gone, baby, G-O-N-E.  And rather than feel constantly defeated, I have lowered my standards significantly.  And now, I just focus on the looking like a goddess part.

Fortunately for me, Mr. Incredible realizes I have other talents that are far more important than a sparkling house.

Housekeeping is an area where I struggle.  Perhaps because I find an immaculate house unattainable when Bonus pulls out the same stinking box of band aids and leaves them on the kitchen counter SEVEN times in the same day.  And drops the wrappers and the weird little static backings all over the floor because I'm not in the kitchen telling him to use the trash can.  It's a losing battle.  I waved the white flag when that last child was added.  I can't win.  And I usually just don't care that I have lost the battle, the war, and my coral tank top. 

I do not believe in living in a museum.  Children should be allowed to pull out all the Barbie paraphernalia in the house and leave it strewn across the playroom until the current season of Barbie 90210 has been played out.  Even if that season has eighteen episodes.  Unless company is coming and then that drama must be stopped and return to its assigned bins immediately.  Ken and Barbie can pick up where they left off next time.  And why wasn't Ken wearing any pants? 

I guess the long and short of it is... it's no longer uber important to me, my husband, or my children.  I know it's shocking, but we live in our house. 

However, enough is enough.  And here it turns to the confessional....  I had been looking at some red goo at the bottom of my freezer for quite some time (read: longer than I am willing to share...).  And it had been taunting me.  It was sticky and frozen (melted popsicle or toxic science experiment from my little potion makers?) and seemed like more than I was willing to bite off every morning I opened the freezer door.  After all, I had band aid wrappers to deal with, and they are far more public.  I can police who enters the fridge...

This morning the guilt of having goo in my freezer finally kicked in.  I unloaded the freezer of all of its contents--food, shelves, door bins, ice compartment, unidentified pack of tan stuff--and wiped and washed until all traces of goo were gone.  It took all of thirty minutes to clean, reassemble and restock the freezer.  Plus, now I know for sure what is in there.  For inquiring minds, I did not put the tan stuff back in the freezer.

Does anyone know what this is? 

This little expedition into the freezer got me kick started.  After that task was completed, I felt the need to disassemble the entire cooktop and tackle the downdraft vent.  I *generally* only explore this area of my home once or twice a year.  Evidently, it was past time.  The handful of crisped food I pulled out of the grease trap was shameful.  I will say that I have small hands...   

During all this, I also completed the laundry.  All three giant baskets worth.  Even the reds and delicates.  If anyone so much as changes their underwear, I cannot be held responsible for my actions...

Because I was on a roll I made coq au vin for dinner much to the disappointment of both Mr. Incredible and the children.  Because they wanted chili cheese fries.  And candy.  I don't even know why I bother... 

All three bathrooms are now open for business to the general public.  At the same time.  I know.  I know.  
But I also know that tomorrow morning I will walk into one of them and think, "I just cleaned this toliet yesterday.  How does this happen?"   I mean, I know how it happens.  I guess my real question is:

Why, oh why hasn't someone invented a toliet that will automatically clean itself after each and every use?  

Riddle me that.  And get to work on those blueprints because I'm buying.  You are going to be richer than you ever imagined.  I want a cut because I gave you the idea.  I need a new pair of kicks that have a high price tag, and I still have seventeen items on my housekeeping list.  Make it snappy.


  1. Now I have found YOU and we have more in common: I struggle with housework! I found a used diaper in my bed last night, if that tells you anything. Really, I'm pretty reformed, and by that, I mean that I do straighten up every day and keep dirty dishes from piling in the sink and generally DON'T have used diapers in my bed. :) Great to find you and now I'm reading YOU!

  2. I so identify with this! It feels impossible to keep all areas clean at once. It feels like all I do is keep up with the little messes and daily things like cooking, so I always put off the big stuff until company comes! I have been working on having a more relaxed attitude, bc it hinders me from being willing to have people over or enjoy time with the boys. It's nice to know fellow moms struggle, too :)
    Hope you're having a great summer!!