Thursday, March 17, 2011

"People are like lice..."

"...they get under your skin and bury themselves there. You scratch and scratch until the blood comes, but you can't get permanently deloused. "

That's Henry Miller from Tropic of Cancer, btw...

He and Ana├»s Nin made for some pretty steamy reading for me when I was in college.  But this post is not about steam.  No, no steam here.  Not today anyway.

This post is about lice.


We had a little unplanned visit from these most vile of creatures.

In a nutshell, it was not pleasant.

And, since I am me, I'm going to talk about it.  Because most people would only whisper about it to their closest of friends.  And, we know I am not most people.  I get embarrassed ordering a pizza onthe telephone.  I do not get embarrassed talking about my child's pediatric social diseases.  Unless I were to get them to, and then, mum's the word....

And this experience is now several weeks old.  We have treated and retreated for good measure.  All laundry has been washed.  We are entirely lice-free.  And only the one child ever had a louse on her.

I won't tell you which child brought this home with her because I don't want to embarrass her.  Okay, that's not true.  I would like to embarrass her a little. 
She has no problem embarrassing the heck out of me. 

We'll just say that my child with a penchant for clothing and accessories brought some new "friends" home with her and leave it at that.  And now you are laughing because you know that Miss Noteworthy (fka Miss Proper) could care less about accessories.  Can you imagine if I had to comb through that hair?  Her ponytail is as thick as my forearm.  That would have been a nightmare. 

Plus, who cares if I tell you anymore?  The louse hostess herself told the cashier at Kohl's.  (Can someone please insert the sound of brakes here?  That's far beyond my techie bloggy capabilities...)


I was completely mortified (becoming a perpetual state for this mother) that she needed to share with the Kohl's lady.  As soon as we were out of the store and on the sidewalk I had this little talk with RNR.

Me: "Honey, it's really not a good idea to tell everyone we see today that you had lice."

RNR: "Why?"

Me: "Because it's information they don't need."

RNR: "But I did have lice."

Me:  "Yes, and while it is not your fault, and you did nothing wrong [that I'm aware of...], we still don't want to tell everyone."

RNR:  [confused look]  "I don't want to lie."

Me:  "I'm not asking you to lie.  The lady didn't ask you if you had lice.  She didn't ask you anything.  You just told her out of nowhere that you had lice."

RNR:  Well, I did.

Me: "Honey, it's weird to tell people you had lice."

RNR:  "Like when brother used to go around rubbing his nipples all the time?"

Me:  "Ummm.... not that weird."

RNR:  "Okay, Mama. I get it.  You have to write that I had lice on my school note though or else that's lying."

Me:  "Okay."

RNR:  "Can I tell my friends?"  (Like this is breaking news or something...)

Me: "I guess so.  The lady at Kohl's already knows."

And so, we had our little adventure with bugs.  It was time consuming, it hurt her little head, and we learned that mayo actually is an excellent conditioner.  I recommend purchasing the store brand, scooping about two cups into another bowl, slathering it on the hair, and covering with plastic wrap for one hour.  Follow with a forty minute shower. Where Bieber Boy tunes are sung the entire time.  Please rescue me.  


  1. You make me laugh!! We suffered through the lice epidemic when Kendal was in Kindergarten. No fun at all!! Hope they don't come visit ya'll again!! :)

  2. It's even better when you're a second grade teacher and a kid walks up to you and says "My head itches and my mom says I can't tell you why."

    As a teacher, I immediately start scratching my head the moment someone says the L word.

    I also remember being a long-haired blond girl that getting lice was like a rite of passage. Into what I'm not sure, but you wore it like a badge of courage. Until you got home and had to tell your mother.