Sunday, December 12, 2010

"I'm going to the store. Do you need any Kotex?"

People, can I just tell you that the title of this post is an actual quote from my father from when I was ELEVEN.  Yes, I was an early bloomer, and none too proud of it at the time.  A C-cup stacked on top of a size double 00 bottom makes for a noticeably top-heavy, incredibly self-conscious preteen girl.  Fast forward twenty-nine years and insert certain situations, and the presence of the twins, not identical I remind you, still makes a self-conscious woman in certain moments.

At any rate, trust me cool, hip dads when I say your daughter does not want to talk about her period with you.  Period.  She will never, ever admit to you that she needs Kotex.  She will quickly say no without looking at you.  Even if blood is running down her legs and pooling on the floor.  And if that happens you've got bigger problems than an empty Kotex box. 

You may be thinking that by offering to buy your daughter's feminine protection products for her that you are normalizing this monthly event in her life.  Wrong.  At eleven, twelve, thirteen, and so forth, there is nothing normal about your father asking if he can pick up an enormous box of mattresses while he is buying milk and bread.  No matter how casually you try to insert your knowledge of her menstruation into the conversation, it will not be normal.  When you walk out of the room after asking that question, she will have to decide if:

A) she immediately wants to die of complete and utter mortification,
OR
B) if she wants to call her best friend, tell her the whole embarrassing story, and then die of complete and utter mortification.

Neither is much of an option. 

I was allowed to live through the complete and utter mortification so that this cautionary tale could be passed on to other dads of daughters.  May the words "Kotex" and "need" never be used in the same sentence by a father and spoken to another menstruating daughter.  It's just not right.  Your daughter will forgive you, but she will most likely be scarred for life.

Mr. Incredible has been duly warned.  He can buy mine--Tampax, purple wrapper, 96 pack or Always Infinity, green wrapper, 48 count--tell the neighbors and use coupons (especially use coupons!).  And, I love that he is willing to run this errand for me.  However, in our house, I will be the one saying, "I'm going to the store."  I will not be asking Miss Proper about Kotex though.  Mainly because who calls it Kotex anyway?

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