Monday, December 20, 2010

Forty Ways To Celebrate Turning Forty

Because you know you are wondering what I am doing and how I am feeling about Wednesday...

If I was turning forty and you gave me some time and money, I would probably:

1. Buy a pair of whisper gray sueded slouch boots because they are on sale for--you guessed it--$40!
2. Buy a fabulous olive green sequinned shirt.
3. Buy jewelry to match the fabulous olive green sequinned shirt.
4. Buy a bandeau to go under the fabulous olive green sequinned shirt because it's completely sheer, and even though I am pretty cheeky, I am not a flasher.  Have you seen the recent pics of Cher's twins?  That's what I call a NO!
5. Decide that I don't need new pants to go with the fabulous olive green sequinned shirt because dark wash jeggings are perfect, and I already have some that I wear almost daily.
6. Buy a new designer purse on sale because I was actually saving $200.  How could I pass that up, right?
7. Mani and pedi.  A given.
8. Facial. If I can't enter a portal to the hotness that was 1991, then clean up 2010 and make it shiny.
9. Forty dollar sushi lunch date with Mr. Incredible.  Ahi tower goodness. 
10. Probe my children and friends about Mr. Incredible's birthday plan.  Watch them squirm.  Repeat daily.
Get out of them that there is some kind of party.
11.  Wonder for three days in a row exactly what Mr. Incredible meant when he said, "Do you want a romantic dinner or a wild party?"  Tease him by asking him who the dinner would be with.  Have him give you the look.  Stick my nose in the air, turn, and leave the room.
11. Joke with my parents about how old your turning forty must make them feel.
12.  Call my grandmothers. Grandmothers make your heart smile--always.
13.  Get a cut, highlight, and get red and silver Hair Flair.  If I am going to have to turn forty, then I may as well have great hair.  Besides, I'm going to have to update you on The Last Hair-Rah.  I will need my feather now.  I will be sure to post a photo of the new do when Pandamom sends me one.  No pressure.
14. Do some serious soul searching about things that are better left behind.  Think more about the need to fix/change my tattoo into something new and better.  Decide that is a must for 2011.  There.
The New Year's resolution thing is all covered.   
15.  Look at pictures of birthdays gone by.
16.  Show Mr. Incredible a picture of the birthday cake you think you need.  Watch a big smile spread across his face because he knows you and knows it really is perfect.  I mean it has a red shoe on top.  Could anything scream Reckless more than a red heel?  Except maybe a snide comment.  Or hooker boots. 
17.  Prepare to give someone else a long overdue fortieth birthday gift in an extra cool way.
18.  Dream about the birthday gift my husband is giving me.  Central Park in April will be divine.  I just know it is going to be beyond splendid.  Now, if I can just get Pandamom through the TSA scanner without Pandapop knowing.
19.  Extend an offer of friendship to two people.  Really mean it.  Know that these two women are going to touch you in more ways than you can count.
20.  Blush.  Even I am not I'm not talking about this one.
21.  Look forward to two different evenings with girlfriends.  Add an impromptu one with just one friend.
22.  Have fondue with my family because you love fondue.  Discover that Mr. Incredible, RNR and Bonus will eat almost anything dipped in chocolate.  What is one person's fon-DO is certainly another's fon-DON'T.  I do not prefer my beefstick, carrots or broccoli dipped in chocolate.  Chocolate covered cheese fondue, however, is actually quite tasty.

23.  Buy my family myself Fantasia and Fantasia 2000 because both are masterpieces that have inspired me, and the lifespan of the VHS tapes I own is getting a little iffy.  Watch the "Rhapsody in Blue" clip and swoon.  Watch it again and swoon.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Listen to "Rhapsody in Blue" in my mind on an unending tape reel.  Never get annoyed. 
24. Make a pact with my youngest child.  Get him to agree to buy me a red convertible when he makes his first million.  Realize that politician or lawyer may be suitable careers for this child because he immediately starts adding addendums that pretty much make his first offer null and void.  Dream a little about what kind of husband and father Bonus will someday make.
25.  Lament that I am back to about the same size I was last December.  Mourn the loss of the 26 inch waist that I had in June. Wait 10 seconds.  Move on because I really am very glad I ate the red velvet cheesecake and spent time with friends and family instead of two hours a day working out. 
26.  Get a meaningful ornament from Mr. Incredible. 
Thanks, hon!  Right back at ya!
27.  Laugh on the phone so hard with someone that I had to run to the toliet lest I pee on my bedroom carpet.  Be pretty sure she peed on the 405.  Know that at the very least she snorted in huge amounts of Long Beach smog.  Add the phrase "Simply Unbelieveable" to your repertoire because it is SO. STINKING. FUNNY.  Almost as funny as watching people dance in their cars.  Know that I am  one of the biggest offenders of car dancing.  Especially when when I put your hands over my head and shake it as a trucker drives by. 
28.  Spend a day ignoring phone calls, texts, and emails.  Read a mediocre book all day because you are determined to finish it by Wednesday.
29.  Read the first chapter of a book on holiness.  Be pretty sure it is going to change my walk and my life like reading The Pursuit of Holiness did the first year I was a believer.
30.  Wear this outfit on a Saturday night.  Have my husband laugh and take a picture of it.  Decide to share the picture of this Simply Unbelievable outfit on the blog because some of you say I make you sick because I am always so cute.  Here's the proof.  BTW, the red sweatpants are circa 1988.  They are Liz Claiborne, and they were high dollar style back then.  I actually wore them in public. And I wonder why I could not get a date...

Poll: What do you like most--the lovely face I am making, the slippers, or the fact that I am eating not one but two pieces of poundcake at the same time?
31.  Write an honest-to-goodness letter.  The pen-and-paper kind.  The kind you feel honored to receive when you open up your mailbox.
32.  Pull out birthday cards that you have kept for many, many years.  Read them all.  Cry because some of them are from your grandfathers, and I still miss them.
33.  Price new tires for my hooptie.  Somehow get to a site with banging rims.  Decide that its better to go full-on hooptie than half-hooptie.  Don't even cringe when you notice the latest hooptification to the hooptie headliner.  Follow all that with a marathon of Pimp My Ride.
34. Nearly starve spending the last morning of preschool waiting in line to get my driver license renewed.  Primp up super cute because I know I am going to have this picture for the next six years, and I hated the last one.  Have a really good hair day, a cute outfit and, yet, still manage to look completely crazy in my picture.  Plot ways to get a new picture.
35.  Buy new pants afterall.  Not for the fabulous olive green sequinned shirt, but because my butt was not fitting in my other ones.
36.  Catch my husband telling a variety of friends SOMETHING.  Even catch him chatting it up with a friend in the frozen food aisle.  Know he is up to no good.  Know I cannot do anything about it.  Know that it is my own fault for giving him a challenge.
37.  Tackle the mountain of paper that has been accumulating in my kitchen over the past two years.  Feel relieved when I am halfway through.  Have to stop to make lunch.  Haven't quite made it back to the pile.
38.  Go to Walmart with an old friend and a brand new friend.  Stay there for two hours.  Make friends with the twenty year old in the produce department.  Get him to hook me up with two packages of grapes when there are none out for the masses.  Accidentally steal someone else's buggy.  Only realize this at checkout because there is a bumble bee Pillow Pet in the buggy.  Track down the correct buggy.  Ditch the Pillow Pet buggy and quickly leave the scene.   
39.  Go Krogering wearing a gold sequinned tank top, loads of jewelry, and the Carlos hooker boots that Mr. Incredible bought me.  In the early afternoon.  Smile and say "Merry Christmas!" to everyone I encounter.  Even the old lady who very obviously "tsk-tsk"ed and shook her head at me for wearing an evening look during the day.     
40.  Know that I am exactly where I need to be and with the people who love me.  Decide that forty is not just a number but is a club.  Resolve to be the president of this club.  Know you'll make a good one.      


  1. I'll nominate you president of the 29 and holding club :) Happy birthday!