Thursday, July 8, 2010

Things I Never Thought Would Come Out of My Mouth and Other Bizarre Facts of Motherhood

****Edited to include the latest

Today I had a conversation with a friend about things I never thought I would have to say as a mother.  Although I may never be able to show my face in public again, I'm going to share them because they might make you feel like a little less of a failure as a mother. 

Without further ado...

1.  I never thought I would have to tell Bonus Baby (at the tender age of four) that it is not appropriate to kiss [insert name of beautiful little girl with brown hair, big brown eyes, and long lashes here] ON THE LIPS in the middle of Sunday School.  After I high-fived him, I told him he needed to wait until after church, take her around the corner, and then plant one on her. Just kidding.  A little.  Okay then, moving right along...

2.  I never thought I would have to specify that you should not store snacks "for later" in your underwear.  At least it wasn't marshmallows on a warm day...  

3.  I never thought I would need to tell my child to bring two shoes when she leaves the house.  Check out the Flip Flop Saga for full details on these sad, sad incidents.

4.  I could not have imagined that I would ask my children if the floor is a trashcan.  I guess I should have been expecting it when one of them finally answered yes.

5.  I seriously just broke up a fight over who was going to clean the toliets.  It was inconceivable eleven years ago that I would hear myself saying, "Were you fighting with your sister over the toliet?  That means you don't get to clean the toliet.  Give me the brush, and go to your room"  The response was a tearful, "Yes ma'am."

6.  An actual conversation:

     Me: Do you like to eat dirt?

     Child: No.

     Me: Do you like to eat snot?

     Child: No.

     Me: Then why do you insist on eating your boogers because boogers are dirt and dried snot mixed together?

     Child: I like it.

     Me:  Shall I blow my nose in a bowl for you and hand you a spoon? 

     Child: Mommy, that's gross.

     Me: So is eating your boogers.

7.  While we are on the topic of boogers, snot, and noses, I gave all of them permission to pick their noses in the bathtub because you are getting the rest of your body clean while in there.  Same thing should apply to the nostrils.  You should see the double nostril action that one child has adopted.   It's a strange victory for both sides.

8.  "I do not want to see your butt anywhere near your sister's face."

9.  "I don't mind if he dips his grapes in ketchup as long as he eats them."

10.  "Your father is not babysitting you.  He is your father; he parents you."

11.  "Because I said so..." (cringe.)

12.  "No, you cannot vacuum." (I never thought I would have a child who CRIES when I take the vacuum cleaner away.  You could take my vacuum cleaner away for weeks before I would notice it was gone.  Maybe I should keep that last little part to myself... )

13.  "If you are hungry, go put some clothes on."   I didn't think eating in the nude would set up a good precedent in years to come...  We have had to establish a shirt and pants rule for the table.

14.  "Mommies don't kiss butts." 

15.  "Please make sure to say the "t" in peanuts." To Bonus who kept screaming "peanuts" in the beauty store last week.  If you don't get why this was embarrassing, try pronouncing "peanuts" out loud without the "t".  Alrighty, then...

16.  "I'm not buying asparagus.  Would you like a cookie instead?"  In my defense, this was in Central Market, and it was nearly $10 dollars for about 10 spears of white asparagus.  The kid has impecable taste and a sophisticated palate, but come on!

17.  "Please do not eat cheese out of someone else's fingernails."  Ummm,  I think I will refrain from commenting on this one.

18.  In the same vein, I admonished one of my children for throwing cheese in the hooptie.  Which one I cannot say.  Said cheese came from row three and hit me in the back of the head.  Each blamed the other.  What a surprise. 

19.  "Let me pull down your pants and see what's in there."  So. Very. Wrong. when taken out of context.  Bonus kept saying his legs were itching...

20.  "I don't care if he's showing you his underwear. As long as he is not showing what's behind Yoda."

21.  "My dream come true would be that no one say poop or butt today.  And especially poopy butts. [two seconds elapse.]  I see I will have to wait at least one more day for my dream."

and the piece de resistance...

22.  Never in a million years could I have made up the following words that emerged from my lips as our family sat down to dinner one night a few years ago.

"Don't put your toothbrush on your weenie!"

Hot dogs anyone?


  1. I've actually had to say "We do not touch food to your wee wee when you're eating!" The good news is that he was wearing underwear.

    Yesterday I had to tell M that we do not lick the chalk off the brick in the backyard because that is disgusting. I don't think he took me seriously as I whipped out the camera, took pictures, and now have a scrap page about the momentous event. :)

  2. I do believe I am getting down from my chair and rolling on the floor now. The tears of hilarity are streaming!!!! Really. ; )