Friday, April 30, 2010

Don't Mind Me

It's Friday, and I'm off and running before I'm even out of bed.  Actually, I was off and running before I went to bed last night.  Sometimes, I have the most difficult time winding down my thoughts.  Thoughts scream through my head at break-neck, Autobahn speeds.  Do this. Don't forget to do this.  Transfer the money to pay the mortgage.  Don't forget to send the invites out.  RNR Princess has a field trip.  Bonus needs to go for a well check.  Miss Proper needs new bras and pants.  Don't forget to pack this for your trip.  How many places am I supposed to be tomorrow?  What's the code for the storage unit?  How can I help this friend who is hurting? I think we are low on milk.  Confirm this appointment.  Make this appointment.  I need a haircut.  Did I leave wash in the machine? If I fall asleep at exactly this minute I will get seven hours and forty-six minuites of sleep.  And, oh, yes...  somewhere in that mix don't forget to enjoy your life!  The list goes on and on and on. 

People tell me that lists would help, but I do make the lists and that just makes me think of all the items on the list in greater detail.  Ugh.  If I could actually harness the energy in my mind, I'm fairly certain I could power the entire Eastern grid, possibly the whole country.  And if I had half that physical energy, I could easily run a couple of marathons a day.  Alas, it does not work that way.

How does one get any rest with all that racket going on in the cerebrum, cerebellum, and medulla oblongata?  And don't get me started on all the information crossing the corpus collosum.  Our brains are such an amazing creation.  All those microscopic synapses and nerves bathed in hormones and enzymes is nothing short of miraculous!  If you have ever had the opportunity to actually hold a brain in your hands (sorry, I know I'm completely grossing some of you out right now), it's a bizarre event.  It's hard to comprehend how that mass of gray matter drives our every thought, emotion, and function.  It looks unremarkable.  Amazing and unimpressive all at the same time.  You would have to experience it for yourself, I think.

All that to say, I'm trying to remind myself on a daily basis that I am an amazingly complex person put together with purpose and beauty.  Of course, I don't do such an awesome job with that on some days.  I'm trying though.  I can choose to dwell well, or I can camp in a tent where I focus on my imperfections and shortcomings.  If my husband looks at me and tells me I am beautiful, why do I start pointing out all the things that I think are wrong?  Why can't I just say thank you?  It's a learned behavior, right?  I'm trying to unlearn it.  And where did I pick that up?  Because it's all lies.  Even Bonus will tell you that he is "Awesome" and "has a cute face."  Solid on that baby darlin'.  Rock solid.  Without getting to a narcissistic point,  I want to be right there with my son.  Pardon my French, but isn't insecurity a be-otch? 

[Mental Aside. Do you physically perfect the people you love, or is that just me?  For instance, I know in my head that my husband has the tiniest space between his front teeth, but when I think about him or even look at him, I fill that in.  I'm perfecting him.  And its not that he needs to be perfected; he is perfectly handsome just as he is. I just choose not to see it.  I think I'm a little freaky that way.]

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