Tuesday, March 2, 2010

So, how the heck are ya?

I find as I live my everyday life that although I am living authentically, trying to be as transparent as possible without spilling my guts to every random person or cashier at "The Krogert," that being authentic makes people spectacularly uncomfortable. Why is it that we ask each other, "How are you?" when we really do not want to know. Are we looking for courtesy? Are we looking for acknowledgement that we are? Not that we are anything in particular, just that we are here moving through our lives. Why would we not want a friend or a loved one or even an acquaintance to say, "I am barely hanging in there" to us? And when they do say that, why does societal convention encourage us to say, "Well, things will get better." Things don't always get better. Why can't we stop what we are doing and spread an extra dose of compassion or caring? I have hands; I have feet. And if I use them, why are you suprised that I care enough to stop to listen to you? Isn't it more encouraging to be with someone in their time of need than to be with them in a time of ease or celebration?

Let's admit it. Let's be bold. Sometimes things simply suck. I know, klassy with a k, but sometimes being honest and authentic means you are going to have to get down to the marrow. Why do we put on the masks of "put together" to walk out in the world when the real face we have would do just fine? Because some people don't like our real faces? They just don't care because they have troubles of their own. But wouldn't the burden be lighter if I could share it with you? Wouldn't you like to know that I, too, struggle daily with who I am, who I have been, who I want to be? Do you think for one second that anyone you know actually has it all right? 

I am looking for something deeper when I you ask the question. I truly want to know how you are and what you have been doing with this one unrepeatable life of yours. Where have you been, and where are you going? What are your struggles, and where are your triumphs? I want to know. It is the nature of me, an INFP, the Idealist Healer, who walks through her life wondering who she is and how she got here. I rarely give up on people and am willing to give them every allowance, every chance I can, to love and be loved. I love often, and I love deeply. When I meet broken people, I want to know them. I want people to feel cared for and loved in my presence by me and by my Creator through me.   

My journey into authentic living began rather recently.  I spent a difficult six weeks going through testing for breast cancer.  Now, the prospect of cancer is not particulary enticing for me or for anyone, I suppose. However, it is not the possibility of death that comes with a cancer diagnosis with which I am concerned. It is the possibility of changed life for my family that occupies my thoughts. I find myself continually revisiting my life, my memories, my mistakes. What is my legacy? It is not that pretty. I have been reckless with my one and only life, eternal though it may be. I know in my heart that I have an inheritance coming to me from the Alpha and Omega, but I fear that it is not as abundant as it should be. Why have I not chosen abundance? Doesn't everyone want to choose abundance? Why would I repeatedly choose those things that would smother me or discourage my faith from any hope of growth? I just don't know. Maybe it is not meant to be known. I only know that I chose things that were not in my best interest or in the best interest of the people in my life at the time. I have been a wild woman. I have not obeyed wise counsel. I have run with my heart and ignored my head. And I am still reckless, making the wrong decisions all the time, but I am not a hider and I am not a liar. I may be reckless, but you will know about it, and then, you can decide for yourself if you want to answer my question and know you will not be alone or just walk on by after saying "fine." It's all up to you.

So, how the heck are ya?

2 comments:

  1. I have often thought... Why is the answer to "How are you?" always the same...fine, good... Why are we so afraid to honestly answer that question!? When I ask the question, I genuinely mean, "HOW ARE YOU??" The good, the bad, and the ugly! How am I?? Right now...sad, worried for our friend in the hospital and her family and yet happy with so many things that God has blessed me with. HOW THE HECK ARE YOU??

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  2. Well, as I am new to this whole blogging thing, I didn't even realize there was a comment until today--2 weeks later. I know you are still concerned about our friend even though she is home now. I am, too. She is such a doll, and I love her even though I only know her a little. God does give us so many blessings everyday. She is definitely one of them. I honestly do not know anyone else who would say, "I have cancer because God loves me." I hope I grow up to be like her. How am I? Better today than yesterday. Yesterday needs a do-over.

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